It’s 5 o’clock in the morning and I should be sleeping. Things just keep running through my head and instead of laying in bed, snoring, I’m sitting here with my computer on my lap scouring through social media for… I don’t know what for. I have no idea. None whatsoever.
Do you know how much life is “lived” on social media? I can’t imagine the hours I’ve spent reading Facebook posts, reading other people’s Tweets, liking and favoriting things other people thought and typed.
Am I insane? Is my life so empty that I have to live vicariously through other people’s typing? And if so, why can’t I live vicariously through books?
I admire people who read a lot. I don’t. I own a ton of books. A TON. Thousands, probably. I probably have thousands on my Kindle alone. Yet how much do I read? If it’s not on Facebook or Twitter, not much.
Why? What is wrong with me? What is wrong with society? Why is it so addictive to peer into the thoughts of other people? Why can’t I be out having fun with people? Why can’t I be present in the moment? Why can’t I enjoy a street festival?
Oh, that’s right. I was just at a street festival today. I hated it. Too many people walking in too many different directions and too much food being served out of tiny little trailers and all I could think about was how unsanitary and unhealthy the food had to be. So I went to Jason’s Deli. And I got in an argument with the girl working the register about the salad bar. She’s new, she’s still in training, and I probably was the worst experience of her day.
And then I got a text from a friend whose wife left him two months ago. She told him it’s over. Again. She’s been telling him that for two months. The first clue should’ve been when she took their baby and left and filed a restraining order. So he’s texting her again begging her to come back. And he’s telling her that God wants her to come back so they can have a testimony and a ministry. And it just makes me mad because he’s using God to make her feel guilty for leaving. So I text him back and told him I’m tired of him using God to manipulate people. And he got mad and text me and I text back and now it’s 5:45 and I’m still awake and thinking about it even though it’s been almost 14 hours since I last heard from him.
I wonder what God things right now. Maybe I should ask him. Maybe He’s already telling me. Maybe all the stuff I hate about other people is just a mirror God is using to show me how screwed up I am.
Maybe I’ve lost touch with how things are supposed to be because I’ve been focused on the easy fix. Maybe I’ve wanted money too much. Maybe I wanted friends and I got desperate for friends and I did anything I could to get the approval of friends and when people didn’t like me I felt like my whole world was spiraling out of control and now I don’t really have friends because I don’t know what I’m supposed to be like as a friend.
Or maybe it’s just easier on Facebook. Hit a like button here, block someone there. Maybe it tricks my mind into thinking I have relationships. Real relationships.
Real relationships stress me out. It stresses me out to be at a street festival and get a 3-page text of desperate ramblings someone sent to a wife that doesn’t love them and expects them to pay child support for the next seventeen years. It stresses me out to be surrounded by people and not understand what’s going on, to hear them laugh at the joke but not get the joke. It stresses me out to think there’s something wrong with me—there’s obviously something wrong with me—and I can’t figure out what it is.
It stresses me out to think about how bad I’ve messed up life.
I wish life had a reset. I wish I could go back and undo all the stupid things I did. I wish I could take back the times I lied. I wish I could take back the times I pushed things too far trying to be cool. I wish I could take back the times I effed up because I was so worried about the future or what other people thought.
And then I wish I could go back and hang out with myself and tell myself not to be so upset because people don’t like you. Because in the future there will be these websites where you can pretend people like you all day long without actually having to do the hard work of being around people.
Is that screwed up? I’m pretty sure it is.
And I’m pretty sure I am.
And I’m pretty sure everything’s going to be okay, somehow. Even though I don’t see how right now.